Where I Stand... wavering in the breeze...

So it's been quite some time since I have written anything... probably because the last nine months or so of my life have been difficult to put down on paper (or computer). I guess first things first... I left MY cute little home... and moved back in with my mom and dad. I emphasize my because that's how I felt, like it was my own little piece of this great big world. It made me feel like I was actually working for something other than paying off my student loans, but in the end, it had to go. Of course all of this is resulting in my and Eric's resent split. It was OUR house... then just mine. Mine and Eric's tumultuous relationship met it's demise in Oct of last year and he left our home in Jan... after one seriously messed up night... one I'll probably remember for the rest of my life. So, in January I started a whole new chapter of my life... single mommyhood. *sigh* When I think back to when I found out that I was pregnant... if I'm being perfectly honest, I knew it would eventually come to this.  Life with Eric has never been easy, so I guess I was always preparing myself for it... but no one tells you how exhausting, terrifying, and utterly difficult it is.  I am so so lucky to have the support of my family and friends and luckily (i guess) Eric is still present in Joe's life, but let's be honest... raising a toddler with Eric is like raising two children.  I have to be the adult x2 and worry that much more because he doesn't remember little things... like paying daycare.

Worry... it has a whole new meaning to me now.  I was very familiar with worry before.. you could say we were chums... I mean let's face it when the man you love, adore, share a child with is a raging alcoholic and spends many nights out away from the house... you worry.  A lot.  I thought that all of that would go away if I ended things with him.  Boy was I wrong.  Now for some reason, I worry when I have Joe what he is doing and whether or not he's blowing all of his money so that in there is no "child support."  I worry when he has Joe, what is really going on at this house, despite his many many attempts to squelch this with "you know I'd never hurt Joe"... yeah... not on purpose....  worry.  I worry if he's going to disappear, although that one I would probably be more ok with except for Joseph and what that would do to him.  Worry worry worry... I'm sick of it.  It's giving me wrinkles.  Me and my pal worry need to have a serious heart to heart about our relationship...  I'm aware that we will always be connect Eric and me and worry.  Let's face it, moms and worry are two peas in a pod, but I want normal worry, but not the extra.  Is that too much to ask?

Lawyer.
I've entered into a whole new world of separate parenting.. me and my pal worry... paternity agreement... legalities.  Of course, Eric was not a fan of getting the courts involved in our... "relationship", but when you are able to do whatever you want knowing the other person will pick up the slack... why would you?  I contacted a family law attorney in May.  The experience has been less cathartic than I thought.  More worry.  My inner vindictive bitch said... yes slap him with a suit and let him squirm and watch out Eric you're going to get it... But my inner mommy, who is much more reasonable and level headed said that wasn't right and to attempt to work with Eric to get an agreement that would could both work with.  But do be aware that if this doesn't work... I'm going with my inner bitch. 

Feelings...
All over the map... that's where they are.  I've been a crazy person.  I apologize to those who have witnessed it or been affected by the grouchy bitchy lazy person who has replaced me.  I'm truly sorry.  I don't think that I've truly dealt emotionally with any of this.  Eric is my first- my first everything.  Truly... my first first... you know... my first love- and I fell hard and fast... my first everything.  He has asked me if there is hope... ever... for us.  In my head and to my friends, I can easily say no.  To him.. I. can't. say. it.  And I don't know what that is.  Why I can't seem to bring myself to say that word. no. never. I've said we're done a million times to him, but always went back.  I truly feel different this time though, like there's more closure this time, but I don't know.  I know that he deserves my answer.  I think when I don't say anything, he gets the idea, but it's not the same.  He deserves not to be strung along... is that what I'm doing?  I don't feel like I am.  He's been my person for so long... 7 years.  7 years.  Since I was a senior in high school... He's been my first call, my shoulder, my everything and now it's gone. Gone. <--- this is exactly what I haven't dealt with.  I find myself wanting to call him to tell him things... just idol chat... but I know better.  All I do know is that, that man put me through more hell than anyone I've ever met. But I loved him.  So much. But it comes down to... I'm not the person he made me into.  And no amount of love changes that fact.  Even though Eric made some stupid decisions at the end that forced my hand, I knew.  I knew that I had to make a decision... to be the person that he's made me... or not.  Not.  So that's where I stand... wavering in the breeze... hoping and praying that I find the strength to keep going... and the grace and patience to do so without a major meltdown.

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head

Little voices whispering

That I should go and this should end

Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white

That it was wrong or it was right

But you ain't leaving without a fight

And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood