Well Hello Shoe

I've been waiting for about 6 years for the other shoe to drop... well hello shoe.  I've always known that life with Eric wasn't easy and it wasn't going to be easy.  I loved him for 6 years.. good, bad, and ugly until I finally had enough.  My hand was more forced in the matter... here's the thing.. when you love and care about an addict there's two things that live in the back of your brain every second of every minute of everyday... one of two phone calls will come: 1. he's dead.  2. he's in jail.  Well hello shoe.

7am this morning: I woke up to my cell phone ringing... a number I didn't recognize.  Ignore.  I'm still feeling my buzz from the night before.  Correction.. my responsible buzz from the night before.  You see, I arranged a babysitter and a DD.  I had my fun and made it home safe and sound.  Cellphone rings again... same number.  I answer: "this is a collect call from the Marion county jail from inmate: Eric."  Oh fuck.  I accept the first free call and hear "hello? hello? Lindsay I got arrested last night for DUI."  Oh fuck.  "Please don't make me sit in here.  Please. Please.  I have money at the house.  You have to get me out."  Oh god, really?  "I'll call you later with the bail amount after I see the judge"  Oh god, judge?  Buzz..........gone.  I can't believe this is happening... well that's not true.  I can and I knew it would eventually happen... hence the shoe.  My head is killing me from what has got to be my hang over starting... fucking tequila.  It tasted great last night... now it's a mere bitter taste in my mouth.  Oh. my. god.  He's finally gotten caught... after years of evading the police with his drunken driving... he's locked up.  Many women in my shoes would probably be dancing around the room, but I feel something different.  I'm not pissed, or happy, I'm more sad and disappointed.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't have great hopes for Eric, but Jesus.  You know, you always want to be wrong about somethings. Damn shoe. 

I made my way upstairs to talk to my mom.  Then tell my dad.  They ask what I am going to do.  I said I'm going to eat... then decide.  Best thing for a hang over:  Hardees.  Feeling better after my greasily delicious breakfast... I set my resolve: he's made he's bed.  He called 5 more times today.  I didn't answer a single one.  However, my father did.  I'm laying in bed trying to take a nap before I have to work tonight and my mom walks in.  "honey, I just wanted to be honest and your father is going to bail out Eric."  "No, he's not."  An hour later, my dad is mowing the grass and Eric remains safely in the custody of the marion county criminal justice system. 

I didn't sleep today.  I couldn't.  My mind just kept going and going and going.  I've talked to several people and everyone agrees its the best thing.  I've talked to a lawyer and gotten the information I need to put my mind more at rest... knowing what is to come calms me... I'm a planner and I want to know what is going to happen.  It wasn't for Eric... I want him to feel uncertain and unsettled because he deserves it and maybe it'll teach him a lesson.  It was for me... for Joe.  Oh god... Joe.  When something like this is happening, you start to think about things like... how could I bring an innocent little person into something so unhealthy.  Then the thought came to my mind... because I was supposed to.  I am supposed to have that beautiful little boy and I am supposed to go through all of this for a reason.  I am not sure of what that reason is, but my shaky little faith tells me that God wouldn't put me through it if I couldn't handle it. 

I want to explain a little further... I went to the doctor this week.  Along with primary hypertension, it is believed that I fit almost perfectly into someone who has insulin resistance.  You know what goes along with that... PCOS, which I ironically show symptoms of.  You know what people with PCOS have a hard time doing... conceiving.  So, you're telling me that I probably have a disorder that makes it difficult if not impossible to conceive, but yet I accidentally got pregnant with a man many would say wasn't worth my time.  Hmm... and I learn all of this the same week Eric goes and fucks up really big?  Coincidence? Or God?

I am supposed to be here... I am supposed to have my son... I am supposed to be there no matter what for him even when his father is not.  Eric and I have been having problems with our custodial agreement.... ok Eric has been having problems.  He can't seem to be consistent or reliable... qualities every addict possesses... right? :-) I was told by the lawyers... well you have to wait a full year then we can re-examine the agreement and make changes... unless something else happens.  Shoe. Guess Monday morning I'll be making a phone call regarding the shoe. 

I've been chanting mantras to myself pretty much all day... I can do this, I can do this, I can do this; he made his bed; don't give in.... And saying the serenity prayer over and over.  Faith, courage, wisdom.  I need all three.  I have faith that this will pass, but there will be many more obstacles in my single mommyhood journey.

Where I Stand... wavering in the breeze...

So it's been quite some time since I have written anything... probably because the last nine months or so of my life have been difficult to put down on paper (or computer). I guess first things first... I left MY cute little home... and moved back in with my mom and dad. I emphasize my because that's how I felt, like it was my own little piece of this great big world. It made me feel like I was actually working for something other than paying off my student loans, but in the end, it had to go. Of course all of this is resulting in my and Eric's resent split. It was OUR house... then just mine. Mine and Eric's tumultuous relationship met it's demise in Oct of last year and he left our home in Jan... after one seriously messed up night... one I'll probably remember for the rest of my life. So, in January I started a whole new chapter of my life... single mommyhood. *sigh* When I think back to when I found out that I was pregnant... if I'm being perfectly honest, I knew it would eventually come to this.  Life with Eric has never been easy, so I guess I was always preparing myself for it... but no one tells you how exhausting, terrifying, and utterly difficult it is.  I am so so lucky to have the support of my family and friends and luckily (i guess) Eric is still present in Joe's life, but let's be honest... raising a toddler with Eric is like raising two children.  I have to be the adult x2 and worry that much more because he doesn't remember little things... like paying daycare.

Worry... it has a whole new meaning to me now.  I was very familiar with worry before.. you could say we were chums... I mean let's face it when the man you love, adore, share a child with is a raging alcoholic and spends many nights out away from the house... you worry.  A lot.  I thought that all of that would go away if I ended things with him.  Boy was I wrong.  Now for some reason, I worry when I have Joe what he is doing and whether or not he's blowing all of his money so that in there is no "child support."  I worry when he has Joe, what is really going on at this house, despite his many many attempts to squelch this with "you know I'd never hurt Joe"... yeah... not on purpose....  worry.  I worry if he's going to disappear, although that one I would probably be more ok with except for Joseph and what that would do to him.  Worry worry worry... I'm sick of it.  It's giving me wrinkles.  Me and my pal worry need to have a serious heart to heart about our relationship...  I'm aware that we will always be connect Eric and me and worry.  Let's face it, moms and worry are two peas in a pod, but I want normal worry, but not the extra.  Is that too much to ask?

Lawyer.
I've entered into a whole new world of separate parenting.. me and my pal worry... paternity agreement... legalities.  Of course, Eric was not a fan of getting the courts involved in our... "relationship", but when you are able to do whatever you want knowing the other person will pick up the slack... why would you?  I contacted a family law attorney in May.  The experience has been less cathartic than I thought.  More worry.  My inner vindictive bitch said... yes slap him with a suit and let him squirm and watch out Eric you're going to get it... But my inner mommy, who is much more reasonable and level headed said that wasn't right and to attempt to work with Eric to get an agreement that would could both work with.  But do be aware that if this doesn't work... I'm going with my inner bitch. 

Feelings...
All over the map... that's where they are.  I've been a crazy person.  I apologize to those who have witnessed it or been affected by the grouchy bitchy lazy person who has replaced me.  I'm truly sorry.  I don't think that I've truly dealt emotionally with any of this.  Eric is my first- my first everything.  Truly... my first first... you know... my first love- and I fell hard and fast... my first everything.  He has asked me if there is hope... ever... for us.  In my head and to my friends, I can easily say no.  To him.. I. can't. say. it.  And I don't know what that is.  Why I can't seem to bring myself to say that word. no. never. I've said we're done a million times to him, but always went back.  I truly feel different this time though, like there's more closure this time, but I don't know.  I know that he deserves my answer.  I think when I don't say anything, he gets the idea, but it's not the same.  He deserves not to be strung along... is that what I'm doing?  I don't feel like I am.  He's been my person for so long... 7 years.  7 years.  Since I was a senior in high school... He's been my first call, my shoulder, my everything and now it's gone. Gone. <--- this is exactly what I haven't dealt with.  I find myself wanting to call him to tell him things... just idol chat... but I know better.  All I do know is that, that man put me through more hell than anyone I've ever met. But I loved him.  So much. But it comes down to... I'm not the person he made me into.  And no amount of love changes that fact.  Even though Eric made some stupid decisions at the end that forced my hand, I knew.  I knew that I had to make a decision... to be the person that he's made me... or not.  Not.  So that's where I stand... wavering in the breeze... hoping and praying that I find the strength to keep going... and the grace and patience to do so without a major meltdown.

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head

Little voices whispering

That I should go and this should end

Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white

That it was wrong or it was right

But you ain't leaving without a fight

And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood