Well Hello Shoe

I've been waiting for about 6 years for the other shoe to drop... well hello shoe.  I've always known that life with Eric wasn't easy and it wasn't going to be easy.  I loved him for 6 years.. good, bad, and ugly until I finally had enough.  My hand was more forced in the matter... here's the thing.. when you love and care about an addict there's two things that live in the back of your brain every second of every minute of everyday... one of two phone calls will come: 1. he's dead.  2. he's in jail.  Well hello shoe.

7am this morning: I woke up to my cell phone ringing... a number I didn't recognize.  Ignore.  I'm still feeling my buzz from the night before.  Correction.. my responsible buzz from the night before.  You see, I arranged a babysitter and a DD.  I had my fun and made it home safe and sound.  Cellphone rings again... same number.  I answer: "this is a collect call from the Marion county jail from inmate: Eric."  Oh fuck.  I accept the first free call and hear "hello? hello? Lindsay I got arrested last night for DUI."  Oh fuck.  "Please don't make me sit in here.  Please. Please.  I have money at the house.  You have to get me out."  Oh god, really?  "I'll call you later with the bail amount after I see the judge"  Oh god, judge?  Buzz..........gone.  I can't believe this is happening... well that's not true.  I can and I knew it would eventually happen... hence the shoe.  My head is killing me from what has got to be my hang over starting... fucking tequila.  It tasted great last night... now it's a mere bitter taste in my mouth.  Oh. my. god.  He's finally gotten caught... after years of evading the police with his drunken driving... he's locked up.  Many women in my shoes would probably be dancing around the room, but I feel something different.  I'm not pissed, or happy, I'm more sad and disappointed.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't have great hopes for Eric, but Jesus.  You know, you always want to be wrong about somethings. Damn shoe. 

I made my way upstairs to talk to my mom.  Then tell my dad.  They ask what I am going to do.  I said I'm going to eat... then decide.  Best thing for a hang over:  Hardees.  Feeling better after my greasily delicious breakfast... I set my resolve: he's made he's bed.  He called 5 more times today.  I didn't answer a single one.  However, my father did.  I'm laying in bed trying to take a nap before I have to work tonight and my mom walks in.  "honey, I just wanted to be honest and your father is going to bail out Eric."  "No, he's not."  An hour later, my dad is mowing the grass and Eric remains safely in the custody of the marion county criminal justice system. 

I didn't sleep today.  I couldn't.  My mind just kept going and going and going.  I've talked to several people and everyone agrees its the best thing.  I've talked to a lawyer and gotten the information I need to put my mind more at rest... knowing what is to come calms me... I'm a planner and I want to know what is going to happen.  It wasn't for Eric... I want him to feel uncertain and unsettled because he deserves it and maybe it'll teach him a lesson.  It was for me... for Joe.  Oh god... Joe.  When something like this is happening, you start to think about things like... how could I bring an innocent little person into something so unhealthy.  Then the thought came to my mind... because I was supposed to.  I am supposed to have that beautiful little boy and I am supposed to go through all of this for a reason.  I am not sure of what that reason is, but my shaky little faith tells me that God wouldn't put me through it if I couldn't handle it. 

I want to explain a little further... I went to the doctor this week.  Along with primary hypertension, it is believed that I fit almost perfectly into someone who has insulin resistance.  You know what goes along with that... PCOS, which I ironically show symptoms of.  You know what people with PCOS have a hard time doing... conceiving.  So, you're telling me that I probably have a disorder that makes it difficult if not impossible to conceive, but yet I accidentally got pregnant with a man many would say wasn't worth my time.  Hmm... and I learn all of this the same week Eric goes and fucks up really big?  Coincidence? Or God?

I am supposed to be here... I am supposed to have my son... I am supposed to be there no matter what for him even when his father is not.  Eric and I have been having problems with our custodial agreement.... ok Eric has been having problems.  He can't seem to be consistent or reliable... qualities every addict possesses... right? :-) I was told by the lawyers... well you have to wait a full year then we can re-examine the agreement and make changes... unless something else happens.  Shoe. Guess Monday morning I'll be making a phone call regarding the shoe. 

I've been chanting mantras to myself pretty much all day... I can do this, I can do this, I can do this; he made his bed; don't give in.... And saying the serenity prayer over and over.  Faith, courage, wisdom.  I need all three.  I have faith that this will pass, but there will be many more obstacles in my single mommyhood journey.